oh my goodness..... I say it too much..

I haven't posted for so long.   I forgot how good it feels.

There is so much I need to say! So much I am too cowardly to say in real life.
 
Oh Lordy don't leave me, not all by myself again.. thats where it is worst.   alone.

This Faith,  Faith, Faith, Faith...
 I don't think any one reads this, so I am going to say it straight up.    I have been struggling internally, every day, for God knows how long... months for sure, years?   every day, every other minute.. I wonder........ Im always thinking about it, I can't even hold a conversation many times... because of it.    

It's killing me.. I must know.. I must be sure!!!! There must be that one thing.. everyone has their one thing, where they find it and go, yup, thats it.    I swear i've found it so many times.. but ten minutes later, I'm thinking......

I'll just say it, because there is no other way to go about this... God, or no God.    Meaning, or no Meaning... because no matter what anybody tells me, I can't see a life without God having meaning.... If I came from nothing, from non-living, to bacteria, on and on to this.. than whatever this is it is essentially nothing.  So I can't believe it.. the evidence is there, the reality is there, the history is there!!!! I just let few petty things, trouble my growth.    I rented two books from the library today... One trying to disprove Jesus historically and one trying to prove God real scientifically .... I plan to get many more books like this,,, but all the while I will believe in God, and trust Jesus as my savior and light, guiding my way.. because the evidence I have heard thus far is too great for any different...... I don't believe I will ever change my mind, but even the Word says, "seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open to you, "  and I completely believe that... I will seek.   seek answers to these questions that stammer my faith, so I can doubt no more.

and this faith, (mine less than a mustard seed)..... is it getting in the way?   
NO@!!  lol.. (but Im not laughing)  Im gonna find out... im sure now.. after tonight.. im sure.. I mess up so much.. so much everyday, today, everyday.. I can't count the times I messed up today.. things i've said, responses..... AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but new / old friends are very good... lets search together?  friends are good.

I think I can find it though.. I got a couple books from the library.... some answers?    I think so..

I hope Amber didn't find these ramblings......................................................    =O
hahaha.